Monday, March 01, 2010

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them...

Normally I would take this opportunity to say how sick and tired I am of sequels, remakes and adaptations. Then I would lament our culture of nostalgia and whine about how art is dead and there is nothing new or original in Hollywood. Instead, I must confess myself a hypocrite because I must see this movie (click for trailer). I don't have a choice. I was raised in the 80s and have no strength to resist the power of the A-Team.


Tim Lewis said...

Does this mean you wish they would make a MacGyver movie?

Jake Shore said...

They already have.

James Wood said...

I want for this to be good. I want it bad. The A-Team was like crack to me as a kid.

Rolland said...

Big Sissy.

Anonymous said...

For some reason I really don't like the voice over at the beginning by Movie Trailer Voice Over Guy. I like the original one better. It wasn't as whispery and obscene-phone-call-ish as this one. On a side note, the Movie Voice Over Guy is getting out of control with the obscene-phone-call-ishness. "In a world where I'm not wearing any pants right now..."

I'm afraid this will suck as bad as the movie version of Transformers, even if there's no Shia LeBouf. Face it now, Jake. It will make it easier when it happens. Hollywood hates our youth. They will do anything to destroy it.

I think Qui-Gon Jin will do okay as Hannibal, but I'm not sure if it will be a good or a bad thing if the movie starts out with him in some silly disguise that is about as effective as making OK symbols with your fingers and putting them over your eyes and pretending they're glasses.

I don't know if Wikus from District 9 will be able to pull off Murdock. I'm just not getting a "Howling Mad" vibe from him. Maybe in the opening part from every other episode where they have to break him out of a looney bin they can set Zach Gallifanakis free instead and he can be Murdock. Sure he's fat, but the comic relief guy should be actually funny.

Rampage as B.A. Baracus? I'm not buying it. Part of the problem is that Qui-Gon is like 6-1/2 feet tall so they really need a big guy to play B. A or he's gonna look tiny. They better have a couple of scenes where he has to be subdued to get on a plane. And they better do it by slipping him a mickey in his milk. Or hypnotizing him so when they say a certain word he goes to sleep, only it turns out that during a firefight someone says something that sounds like that word and he goes to sleep when the team needs him the most. I also want him to say, "I aint gettin on no pwane, Hannibo!"

And what's his face from Hangover and Sandra Bullock movies that don't make any money as Face? Meh. Whatever, nobody really liked Face that much. At my house he was kind of a placekeeper between the characters that no one liked on the team like Amy or that douche with no sleeves on his denim vest who replaced her, and the cool guys on the team like Murdock, B. A. and Hannibal. I still have trouble remembering that the character's name is Face and not Starbuck.

Here's my list of things I better darn well see in this movie or I'll complain about it:

1.) Ruger Mini-14s with Falcon folding stocks that shoot full auto. And they better be loaded with special ammo that for some reason can blow up a Jeep, but can't hurt a human.

2.) The team being held prisoner somewhere and they build a crazy contraption in the amount of time it takes to play the theme song to surprise the bad guys when they come and check on them. Ohhhhh snap!

3.) B. A. tossing someone with the shot filmed from B.A.'s feet. Preferrably the badguy gets tossed through a window.

4.) Lots and lots of one-punch knock-outs.

5.) The real Mr. T making a cameo as like Rampage's barber or something.

6.) The plan coming together.

7.) No stupid scenes where Face is taking drones out of the sky with a .50 from the hatch of a tank falling from the sky.

8.) A damn good explanation as to how the A-Team got a tank.

9.) Shots of the fake van interior with all the actors leaning to one side as the van supposedly goes around a corner really, really fast.

10.) An apology for it sucking.

And also, sorry ladies. Looks like neither Amy nor equality made the cut.